Gaslighting

Counselling

13 Apr

You may have heard the term “Gaslighting” being used quite frequently in reference to relationships. While typically used in reference to romantic relationships, the tricks employed by individuals in an attempt towards emotionally manipulating their victims extends beyond the scope of purely relational. In fact, it can be all too common to witness this form of psychological manipulation in friendships, family and work dynamics. As perpetrators set out to knowingly (or unknowingly) leave their victims questioning their own sanity and perceptions. But what is gaslighting, how can it be recognised and what can be done to tackle this?

What Is Gaslighting?

The term "‘Gaslighting” has its roots all the way back to the 1930’s in a “play-turned film from the 1930s. The play was called “Gas Light” and the plot is about a husband who mentally and emotionally manipulates his wife into believing she is crazy by changing the intensity of the gas lamps within their home.”

In its most basic form, Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse, where perpetrators set out to make their victims doubt their own sanity and reality by employing a number of underhanded techniques that can have long lasting emotional consequences and scars for them.

How To Recognise Gaslighting

It’s important to note that not all forms of gaslighting is intentional, and not everyone who engages in these tactics set out to purposely manipulate someone for their own personal gain. In many cases, gaslighting can be a consequence of shame, a toxic environment or a building domino effect of lies where the perpetrator themselves may not even realise that it’s wrong to act this way. While gaslighting itself can be subtle, it’s important to note that in it’s most basic form, it is dishonest, lacks authenticity and not functional in any form of relationship. Regardless of the reasoning, one thing they have in common is the use of dishonesty to deny the experiences of the other and reinforce that the problem lies with them, rather than the perpetrator. Here are some common signs that someone is engaging in gaslighting:

Outright Lies: Often resorting to blatant lies to hide their own behaviours or justify their actions, outright lies lay the foundations of mistrust and doubt in the victims mind. Denying their reality and necessary support they may need as a result.
Manipulation of Reality: Constant denying the victim's experiences leading to self-doubt and breakdown of their self-esteem. By making the victim question their own memory and judgment, they ultimately accept the gaslighter's version of events.
Scapegoating: By assigning blame to the victim and deflecting attention away from their own actions and justifying their behaviour, this leads to the victim taking responsibility for things that aren't their fault.
Coercion: Gaslighters will use charm, pressure or outright violence to manipulate the victim into complying with them. They may use something important to the victim as leverage, further exaggerating the abuse.

Some common phrases a gaslighter may use are as follows:

"You're too sensitive."

"You're overreacting."

"You're crazy."

"You're always making a big deal out of nothing."

"You're just being dramatic."

“You’re losing your mind.”

“Look what you made me do.”

Consequences

While it’s important to note that it is possible to unknowingly engage in this behaviour and that it may be a result of more complicated factors other than “they’re a bad guy and trying to ruin my life”, Gaslighting can have long-lasting effects on the victim's mental health and well-being, leaving them with scars that may not heal even after they have left their current environment. It destroys a persons self-esteem, encourages self-doubt, and leads to feelings of isolation and confusion.

Furthermore, many people experiencing this form of psychological abuse may find themselves being blamed as the perpetrator themselves. Since gaslighting is subtle and so pervasive within society, but with huge consequences, it may be difficult to spot that someone is experiencing this. Therefore, any response in the name of defending themselves can leave them with being seen as the ‘bad guy’. As someones reality is chipped away at, feelings of anger and stress from the confusion can bubble under the surface leading to an outburst or a boiling over. Since that is much more overt than the manipulation tactics employed by the gaslighter, victims are often shunned for their responses, pushed aside and written off as “crazy” or “overreacting” which only furthers the ongoing abuse.

Techniques For Navigating Gaslighting

Recognising gaslighting and learning techniques for victims to protect themselves is the first step towards a them claiming control over their own reality again. Everyone’s environment will be different, allowing for different levels on what an individual suffering from being gas lit can do. For example, speaking up may be difficult in cases where violence is concerned. It’s important that if an individual is or knows someone going through this, that this constitutes a safeguarding issue. It’s vitally important that the right steps are taken to prevent further harm to the victim. In many cases, by just bringing light to this issue, the hope is that they can receive the necessary support and that many recognise their actions and take steps towards healthier behaviours.

-Speaking up about it

-Reaching out for support

-Remaining confident in their reality

-Distancing themselves from the situation.

-Specific techniques for self-care e.g mindfulness, the grey-rock technique, journalling etc (Blog coming soon)

-Seeking professional support

Gaslighting is a damaging form of psychological manipulation that thrives in the pursuit of dishonesty at the possible consequence of the sanity of those unlucky enough to be a victim to this. Whether for personal gain or unknowingly, gaslighting can leave scars and long lasting pain to these people. By bringing gaslighting out of the shadows and into the forefront of reality, it’s power can be questioned, and its effectiveness diminished.

Getting Help

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse/violence, please know you are not alone and help is available. I have provided some links below where you can locate services for assistance:

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/

-By Patrick