Relationship Breakups
With every hello, there is a goodbye. When you are faced with a relationship ending, this can feel like the most distressing emotional experience, often impacting every aspect of your life. The emotions we experience are varied depending on our connection, and because we experience more than one emotion at one time, this can cause inner conflicts. The deep pending response feels similar to the response we have to grief. People often will say they feel like someone has died or a part of themselves has died along with the relationship.
Kubler Ross’s model is the most known to explain the stages of grief (Denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance). However, I see these more as 'states' as we can feel emotions and thoughts outside these stages. As I look back on my first experience of a relationship break-up, it feels like yesterday. It was probably the most difficult break-up because it was my first experience of romantic love, and he was also my best friend. The ending was messy, and neither of us wanted to break up. Circumstances forced a premature ending upon us both. I can see that, at first, I experienced a state of Denial. Friends often asked me how I was and would reply, ‘I’m fine’. I did not want to crumble and feel the uncomfortable pain. At the time, I believed I needed to hold it together to be strong, especially for my young children. I worked long hours in a physically demanding job. I told myself not to cry; eventually, my pain would subside if I buried it for long enough.
Denial is a natural response to loss; we all need to pause for a period after experiencing trauma, giving our brains time to understand what has happened. However, to process pain, we must experience it. Yes, this is painful, but it means we are human, and where there is pain, there was once love. However, if we stay in denial, this can be detrimental to our health, both psychologically and physically. Additionally, if we stay stuck feeling denial or anger, this will result in resentment.
My thoughts changed, and as time passed, I experienced a period of Depression. I lacked energy and didn’t do what I used to as part of caring for myself. I began self-sabotaging, telling myself, 'I'm no good...' and 'I didn't deserve...'. This is, of course, irrational thinking kicking in. I also began isolating myself (not wanting to see my friends); isolating was a part of punishing myself. I had many ‘pity parties’ (feeling sorry for myself and being self-critical). I stayed in my Pj’s, watching movies about break-ups and would use this opportunity to give myself permission to cry a lot!
There is a state we can experience called bargaining (the what if’s). I remember having many sleepless nights wondering if I had done something different, would the relationship of worked out. If I gave more of my time, if I was more understanding, if I didn’t speak about how I felt, if I made myself more like he wanted me to be…if I just did more…
The Bargaining state is also very frustrating. No one can change how another person feels. We need to respect and appreciate it. We don’t have control over anything other than ourselves and learn from our experiences. If you are stuck in this state, ask yourself not what if but what have I learnt about myself from this relationship. What can I take from this experience that will help me grow as a person in relationships, including the relationship with myself?
Another state is Anger (towards us, our ex-partner, or others). Anger is often a taboo that no one likes to speak about. Anger is natural and healthy. Anger is important to feel and express. However, if expressed in the wrong way, it can become destructive. I once read that if we do not allow ourselves to feel the anger, we will never move forward to a place of acceptance.
The final state is Acceptance. Although we refer to this as the final state, we do not experience these states in any order. We may also not experience one of the mentioned states or feel emotions not mentioned. Furthermore, it is not unusual to revisit states, even after years. I sometimes have moments of reminiscing about what could have been if things were different. However, these thoughts pass just as quickly as they have come.
Therapy can support us through a difficult time, especially initially. Therapy offers us a safe place to express our feelings without being judged or someone trying to fix our issues. Feeling hurt does not mean we are not broken as human beings. Therefore, we don’t need fixing. Feeling hurt is merely a human response, a reaction to an experience. We can move forward when we begin to allow ourselves to process, and meet our emotional needs.
From my understanding of relationships, they are complex and yet sacred. I believe that if we embrace all our emotions, they can bring us gifts, such as opportunities to know ourselves better and for us to grow as individuals. Some people are meant to stay in our lives, while others merely pass through. Life is a journey, and there are many chapters written within it. If you are struggling, know that asking for support is a strength and part of caring for yourself. The right support can make your life feel more balanced again.
Acceptance allows us to move forward and create space for the next chapter in our life. When in this state, you can think of your future and find a sense of inner peace. Some people avoid painful feelings by entering new relationships or working more to keep themselves busy. Avoiding pain only equals storing it all up inside your body. If this is something you are currently doing, I would ask you to consider what is happening to all that pain inside you? And how is that impacting your relationships by holding onto your pain?
Each experience is unique. It will be the first time you have gone through this particular situation. Break-ups are more complex than grieving someone you love because no one has died. It is important to process the pain of loss, as the impact of not doing so can be long-term psychological distress.
To read more on the states of loss, download the PDF below.
Difficulties with sleep after a breakup
Changes within our usual sleeping patterns are a normal experience after a breakup. Generally, it’s because your mind is so busy running through all the events that you just can’t put them to rest. For some people, it is the complete opposite. All they can do is sleep, so they don’t have to think. We might often struggle to wake up and have no energy to get out of bed. Either way, your sleep pattern is disrupted from your normal healthy sleep routine.
Overthinking in the initial days after breaking up can be disastrous. Too many negative thoughts flooding your mind will naturally affect your sleep. If you struggle to fall asleep after a relationship break-up, you are not alone! Your brain becomes too wound up to shut itself down and let you rest. This can be incredibly frustrating if you’re tired and feel like you need sleep. You may go off to sleep but wake up several times through the night. An increase in nightmares is also common. The subconscious mind deals with things in unexpected ways. Your feelings about the breakup can manifest themselves in your dreams. There’s no need to be alarmed. This doesn't last very long. However, lack of sleep over a long period can lead to long-term adverse effects. Therefore, it is important to address this earlier rather than later.
A night of good sleep is important to heal us physically and emotionally. It can be frustrating not being able to fall asleep after a breakup. Although this section gives you some tips, I know that sometimes easier said than done. Try to be consistent and persevere and remind yourself that Sleep is part of caring for yourself. Sleep is a basic human need which is fundamental to good mental health.
Why do I struggle to sleep after a breakup?
The reason that we struggle to sleep after a break-up is that our mind is overactive with many mixed thoughts. We struggle to calm our minds down enough to allow ourselves to relax. Sometimes the thoughts are about us obsessing over what we could have done better, how things might have been if the relationship didn’t end, or what we could have done differently.
When considering how processing and refocusing the mind can make the process easier to accept, we hope these useful tips will help you stay healthy and care for yourself better during this difficult transition.
The psychological effects of a breakup
If a friend tells you that the impact of a break-up is all in your head… to some degree, this is true. However, psychological effects are very physically real and detrimental to your health. Just like when a person experiences too much stress, it can cause them to have a heart attack. I imagine whoever said this was probably patronisingly you, and if this is so, then maybe you should find some new friends.
A breakup can be a traumatic experience, regardless of how long the relationship has been. Trauma can impact us psychologically and physically. Irrespective of whether the break-up was expected or not, the adverse effect can be the same. To reduce the impact, we need to understand two things: 1) What the body goes through during times of stress and 2) What the mind goes through.
There are distinct and harmful physical effects of going through a separation. While the root of these physical things may be psychological, they can be quite tangled. No one can disagree that the effects can be clearly felt and seen.
Loss of Appetite
Many of us hold tension and emotions in our lower abdomen. This means that when we are stressed, it changes our eating habits and irritates our intestines. You might experience nausea, the inability to keep your food down, or a lack of hunger. Eating less for a few days is not always a bad thing. However, drastically changing eating habits lowers your immune system which can make you become unwell. The intake of sufficient nutrients is vital for our brain function. This could open you up to bigger and more long-term health issues.
Loss of energy
You may be sleeping too much or too little following a breakup. Either way, you’re likely to feel unusually exhausted for days or even weeks after the relationship ends. Struggling to eat will also affect your energy levels. Besides less sleep (or less effective sleep) and less food, your body is going through a bit of a chemical storm. Cortisol levels are high (supporting your body’s fight-or-flight response), and you will be left feeling drained when the fight-or-flight happens.
Low immunity
When your body is short on sleep and much-needed nutrition, your immune system tends to let germs in by mistake. Because you aren’t getting proper sleep or nutrition, you are likely to feel run-down and tired, meaning you become unwell with symptoms such as a sore throat, tight chest, body aches, and sinus problems. The healing process doesn’t work as well, and symptoms can linger for longer than usual.
Psychological effects
No matter which side of the break-up you are on, the response can be mentally exhausting when there is an increase in stress levels. Post-breakup feelings have been described as mourning the death of a loved one. If a breakup is a loss, then we need to grieve it. The psychological effects of a break-up can last far longer than the physical effects. Our minds can be incredibly suggestible. This means our mental health can be changed for years if we do not manage our health positively. For example, we can experience increased Anxiety when our solid, stable routine and lifestyle are suddenly taken away. It can throw us into a chaotic pattern. Whether you have been dating for a few months or in a relationship for decades, a fundamental part of your life has disappeared. You are then left trying to fit your life back together. The extent of anxiety can depend on a few things. Your past experiences of relationships, including in childhood, if you lived together or apart, if kids are involved, and if the two of you share financial responsibilities?
Uncertainty about the future
If you had dreams and plans with this person, you may not know where to start building your own future again. This can leave you uncertain about what to do or where to start when thinking about your future. This can lead you to experience some real anxiety. We tend to believe that we should have it all figured out as adults. However, this is not the reality as life often changes, and so do our plans. Adjusting quickly is not possible. It takes time. If your ex-partner is supported, you must adjust to no longer having their support. However, if your ex-partner is abusive, this leaves you with confusing and conflicting thoughts and can damage your self-esteem.
Low Self-Esteem
A relationship break-up can be a huge catalyst for very self-destructive thinking. No matter who did what or who left whom, your brain can start to play tricks on you and makes you do things like: ‘I can’t trust anyone ever again', ‘I’m not good enough', or ‘I’ll never find someone else’.
Of course, this is just the hurt talking. You’re still perfectly worthy of all the goodness and love in life. If you’re looking for a sign that that’s true, well, here it is!
The psychological effects of a breakup can have a disastrous effect on your ability to relax and fall asleep. Your brain may just be too wound up to shut down and let you rest. This can be incredibly frustrating if you’re tired and feel like you need sleep.
You may wake up several times in the night if you manage to fall asleep. Waking up more frequently during the night is very common following a breakup. This can be due to physical symptoms linked to the breakup, or if this is a one-off, it might be just a restless mind. An increase in nightmares is also common. The subconscious mind deals with things in unexpected ways. Our dreams are merely our unconscious, speaking in imagery. Often dreams don't make any sense at all to the conscious mind. Your feelings about the breakup can present themselves in scary ways in your dreams. This is normal when the mind processes to find meaning in a traumatic experience. There’s no need to be alarmed, but it can definitely disrupt your sleep.
Tips for better sleep after a breakup
All suggestions we offer won’t necessarily work for everyone. We hope that there is at least one that you respond well to and that you manage to regain a healthy sleep pattern after a breakup.
Journal before going to bed
Before lying down to sleep, write down exactly what you think, and don’t hold back! Journaling can be more helpful than you may realise. If you need to add a few swear words, just do it! Don’t hold back or worry about the deeper meaning. Nobody else is going to read it, anyway. If other people live in your house, you could always write in the third person context, just like a story.
Journaling is like cleansing yourself from all the irrational thoughts running through your mind. Once you have written out your thoughts, your mind will feel freer, so you can lie down with a clear head. Journaling is a method of speaking to yourself, and it is easy too. Grab a notebook, a pen or pencil, and 5 to 10 minutes of uninterrupted time. If you want to cry, then let the tears flow. If you’re angry, beat the heck out of your pillow. The point of putting your words down is that you release the emotions with the words so you can rest.
2 Things to remember before you Journal
Make Sure You Won’t Be Interrupted. If you live with other people, let them know not to interrupt. Nothing breaks the flow of word-purging quite like someone bursting in halfway through!
Don’t Read Yesterday’s Entry. Reading all the negative stuff you wrote yesterday will only manifester your progress today. It can bring up all the same emotions again. Even if you’re feeling better today, revisiting old thoughts and emotions will trigger you back, not help you move forward
Don’t self-medicate (if possible) – Try to use natural remedies
It can be very tempting to take a couple of sleeping pills and drift unconsciously off to sleep. While being in a state of nothingness can sound tempting and lovely, this can quickly become a habit and lead to addiction and mental illness. Try to take natural remedies such as lavender or chamomile. There is the option of having it in herbal tea or if you would prefer to try essential oil (behind the ear) or incense sticks. This work wonders for calming and easing tension, which will induce a better night’s sleep. You could also try playing some natural sounds and adjusting the lighting in your bedroom for an ambient feel.
The importance of nutrition
Try eating more high-water vegetables and fruits, and drink about 8 glasses of water a day. Water is our body’s basic survival need, so don’t forget to drink! We are not talking about coffee or alcohol. Although you might feel the urge to drown in one of the two alcoholic drinks, this will never have a good outcome. Dehydration lowers mood, reduces energy levels, and modifies rational thinking.
Even if your appetite isn’t fantastic, you need plenty of water and nutritional foods that promote your health and not destroy it. During a breakup, our body will react similarly to being exposed to physical pain. This means the body will start releasing all kinds of hormones that try to combat the pain, including raised blood glucose levels. Eating dense food packed with sugar can raise blood glucose even higher, which becomes hazardous. Although eating sugary foods can be tempting, try to minimise this and go with eating vegetables, fruit, and protein. You could also take vitamins D and B to help boost your mood by regaining serotonin and dopamine production. Vitamin C is great for improving the immune system. Start supplementing as soon as you can it best.
Exercise – Just a little
If you’ve just gone through a breakup, you might feel like you will never have energy again. Exercise not only improves your mood but also boosts your immune system. You should aim to get at least a little exercise a day. We don’t mean walking to the toilet and back. Here are some ideas for getting in a little exercise:
~ Try out a 10-minute workout on YouTube
~ Take a short walk around the block (If you don’t like walking by yourself, take the dog or borrow a friend’s dog)
~ Clean a room or change the furniture around
~ Try some gardening
~ Play your favourite music and dance in your living room
Take time to relax using essential oils and incense
These gentle scents can help calm you (a great way to de-stress). Fragrant smells can ease the tension in your muscles. Relaxing your body can give you a better night’s rest. We recommend trying lavender, chamomile, valerian root, sandalwood, or jasmine.
There are different ways to use essential oils. For example, 1) Use an oil burner, and put some water with a few drops of essential oil. Light the candle 2) Drizzle a few drops into your bath 3) Put a few drops on your pillow 4) Rub some on your temples and behind your ears before going to bed
Healthier distractions
Often, we end up hitting the self-disrupt button and unconsciously punishing ourselves. The best distraction sounds simple, and it really is…replace this with a healthier distraction. Distraction can be a wonderful kind of relief.
Notice your thoughts and feelings - when you are getting lost in destructive thoughts and feelings
Get up and go do something else.
Try:
~ Baking (for family or friends)
~ Read an interesting book
~ Watching motivating videos on YouTube
~ Get extra cuddles from a family member, friend or a pet
~ Try something creative, poetry, dancing, singing, painting, or writing a poem
Things to avoid:
~ Impulse shopping
~ Overeating
~ Replaying things you and your ex would have done together
~ Texting your ex!
Meditate for a few minutes a day
This takes some practice and perseverance. Meditation is probably one of the harder things to do after a break-up. Try to stick with it; when you relax, you will reap the benefits of better sleep and emotional healing.
You don’t need to spend hours meditating, 3-5 minutes before getting out of bed or in the evening when you lay your head down for the night. There are a few things you should work on for the best benefits. Such as 1) Being Consistent. This is not a quick fix. Meditation should be seen as a change in the routine for the better. Once you learn to do this will give you a new and healthier way of managing other stress. You must commit to doing it every day (just for a few minutes) for at least 21 days. That should get you into a good habit. After that, you will find it a great tool when anxious or panicked. We recommend practising it regularly!
A short meditation guide
Sit or lie down, with your eyes closed or open (whatever you feel more comfortable with) for 5 minutes before you get out of bed, and focus on your breathing (notice your breath and try counting with each breath). Repeat this 3-4 times. Use a positive affirmation for the day ahead, simple!
Remember: Meditating is not about emptying your mind. Just be with your breath and allow thoughts to enter your mind; notice them curiously as they arrive, without judgement. Observe them as if you are observing a stranger passing you by on the street.
Let thoughts enter your mind, pass on through, and then simply continue counting with each breath. Take control of your thoughts, don’t allow yourself to hold on to any heavy thoughts. Just let them float through.
Meditation means you enter a state of relaxation. Meditation, music or acoustics can help enormously. This is because they contain tones that can change your brainwaves, change how your blood flows, and promote healing and calm. Listening to acoustics is a great form of self-therapy.
Missing the feeling of comfort
After a breakup, we usually miss the human touch and pine to be held again. The human touch gives us comfort and healing. There is even research demonstrating that babies can die if they don't have comfort. Don't be afraid to ask your friend, family member, or furry pet for an extra cuddle. The human touch is incredibly healing and provides us comfort. If you live alone or find touch difficult, treat yourself to a snuggle blanket as an alternative. You may think this next suggestion a little strange, but to make your bed feel less empty, try sleeping in the centre of your bed, hugging your pillow or a special teddy bear. Doing this can provide you with a feeling of comfort.. why not give it a try? You have nothing to lose!
It is common for a person's usual sleep pattern to be disrupted after a breakup. Lack of sleep can feel extremely frustratingly and cause many symptoms, psychologically and physically. When you feel like you need to sleep but can’t. This can influence every aspect of life. For example, your health, efficiency, energy, relationships, and work. Sleep is fundamental to our psychological wellness and physical health. As you navigate into a new beginning in this next chapter of your life, you can become aware of who you are today, how you have learnt to better care for yourself and continue a healthier relationship with your ‘self’. You've got this!
Learning
After a breakup, it can be hard for us to initially see this, but it is an opportunity for growth. Below is a useful video talking about the purpose of relationships is to support and help each other. It leaves us with a quote ''If a relationship doesn’t help you become a better person, ending it does”. What are your thoughts?
-Written by Elizabeth
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